The Cheshire Cat

Phase to phase, I slip into this state in life called the Romance Fatigue – when I calibrate my value based on how much I think people treasure me, how much they desire to be with me. Such parasitical dependency inevitably attracted feelings of unworthiness, insecurities and dejection.

To fill up the emptiness, I sometimes agree to meet up with random bunch of people, or succumbing to random activities to fill up my night.

I know happiness must be self-derived, but my mind is often weak and I cave in to emptiness.

While scaling towards the summit of Mount Rinjani, it gave me a chance to drop the daily haste, and to think and compose myself. I came back relieved and finally determined to stay clear headed to cease this unnecessary cycle. For all the time spent accommodating others in order to gain their approval, I sacrificed who I can truly become.

Coming home after a long day to be greeted by the savory whiff of chicken chop. Cupping my cold fingers around a mug of hot chocolate. Warming up my tummy and clearing the groggy mind during a hangover with steaming lamb stew. Sweetened a working lonely night with a handcrafted cookie. Tearing the share bread among friends. Gathering around the table making spring rolls as a family.

These are moments of true love. Moments of concerns. Moments of a soothed soul.

If food can be the healing broth, as well as the string that binds, it is time to pick up some humble culinary skills. I want to understand myself better, and reconnect with myself during this period of self-improvement; while archiving my thoughts and stories amongst the recipes.

The Cheshire Cat – a detached, clearheaded logic who explains Wonderland’s madness to Alice.

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.

“I don’t much care where—” said Alice.

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.

I’ll be my own Cheshire Cat. I will figure out where I’m heading to.

Here’s to romancing myself. Every next second, will be nothing, except better.

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